


crash into me

by flyinggeese



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt Jake Peralta, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2020-09-06 13:23:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20292163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyinggeese/pseuds/flyinggeese
Summary: Jake Peralta used to be able to make everyone laugh wherever he went. People used to call him the sunshine at the centre of the universe.  But 3 years ago that all changed, and now Amy is left wondering what is going so horribly wrong for the most wonderful person in the world.





	1. the light that you left me will everglow

**Author's Note:**

> so this is a canon divergence from the wonderful b99 universe.
> 
> in this universe:  
\- jake and amy are 17 and in high school.  
\- jake's dad left when he was 14  
\- amy is not allergic to dogs
> 
> also, while this fic isn't going to mention anything specifically, there will be references to poor mental health. so if that is something that's going to bother you, maybe stay away from this one :)

Amy doesn’t understand, why someone who is so incredibly beautiful and who used to make everyone laugh, always look so sad? Well, logically she does know, it’s common knowledge at school that Jake Peralta’s father left him at 14 years old. What she doesn’t really understand is why 3 and a bit years later he still looks so incredibly sad all the time. 

But, somehow his sadness and ability to push everyone around him away, still doesn’t stop Amy’s heart doing a somersault every time she sees him. Amy doesn’t even know what it is about Jake that has completely stolen her heart. Well, if she thinks about it rationally, she can defiantly come up with some reasons. Firstly, he’s beautiful. The baggy clothes and hoddie do a decent job at hiding it for most people, but his beauty takes Amy’s breath away. His soft chocolate brown hair comes tumbling down in gentle curls over his forehead, his gentle eyes that she seems to be able to find whole universes in when she gets a small chance to look into them and his strong, warm hands that she keep imagining roaming her body whenever she lets herself live in that fantasy. 

But it’s his smile and laugh that she thinks has really taken her heart. She remembers that laugh from when they were younger, and she thought that Jake was just another dumb boy. She remembers how it would rumble up from somewhere deep inside him, and that how when it was paired with a joke or witty commentary on a teacher or something they were learning, it would take everyone else around him with it. She so desperately wishes that she could time travel to tell her younger self to stop being so obsessed with academics, and instead grab hold of that laugh and let it never leave him. God does she wish she could hear it again now. But instead, now Jake is quiet, reserved and deeply alone, and Amy is left far away, wondering how the hell someone so wonderful could be so sad. 

The sunlight is spilling through Amy’s classroom window, that June afternoon. She’s in her history class and trying her very hardest to listen and pay attention to her teacher. But this is one of the few classes she shares with Jake, and for the first time in ages he has pulled down his hood, leaving his soft, wavy hair to just fly out everywhere. The sunlight is just catching the top of it, making it look like a golden halo is surrounding him, and it is making it very difficult for Amy to really think about anything else. 

It’s not like she doesn’t want to pay attention to her teacher, she does have a perfect academic record to keep up. But on this particular occasion, Jake is sitting in the row of seats in front of her, making it impossible for him to notice her staring. It truly does feel like all of the stars have aligned in her favour today. 

Adding to his ability to make her completely distracted, is that fact that this is the first time in 4 days that she has seen him. Seemingly unnoticed by everyone else at school, Jake tends to disappear from school for days at a time, and comes back looking worse than ever. Nobody else seems to care at all, but for her, it’s just another thing that makes her irrevocably worried about him. Amy isn’t particularly high on the social ladder, but she is certain that nobody in the whole world deserves to feel that alone, least of all the most perfect person in the world.

As, she continues to watch, she realises that instead of making notes on the lecture their teacher was giving, he seemed to be hunched over an open sketch book, and was drawing. A few attempts of trying to get a closer look later, she had manoeuvred herself so she could see his whole page, and holy crap was he talented. Using nothing more than a standard school issued pencil, Jake had created a whole intricate, beautiful universe on his page. There were animals, people and plants of all different shapes and sizes, all gently interwoven with the landscape. Holy Shit! How in the world could he do that, and why didn’t he share that with anyone?  
Well, that just completely destroyed any concentration she was trying to hold on to, and before she has a chance to make a different choice, she’s right in the middle of one of her long, wonderful fantasies about the two of them. 

At lunch, her friend Kylie sits down on the warm grass next to her, so they can each lunch together like they do every day.

“So” begins Kylie, with the air of someone who’s about to tease the crap out of her. “Someone was pretty distracted in history earlier.”

“Was not.” Amy replies, too quickly.

“Amy, while I hate any of our conversations not passing the Bechdel test, you can’t bullshit me. Not after I’ve seen you spend an entire class staring at Jake Peralta. If you ask me, I think someone’s got a bit of a crush.”

“Hey, no I don’t!”

“No, you don’t. You have a major full-blown obsession on the one guy in school that doesn’t talk to anyone and is notorious for spending all of his time alone. Admit it.”

“Ok. Only because you’re my best friend, and have been since we were 11. There might be a slight possibility…. that I have… a teeny, tiny… no minuscule… crush on Jake Peralta.” She tentatively admits

“Amy.”

“Ok. Fine. It’s massive. I kind of think that he’s completely perfect in every way”

“Apart from the fact that he doesn’t talk to anyone, and pushes away anyone who tries to talk to him” Kylie questions.

“Yes.” Amy sighs. “And the fact that he has no idea who I am, and I’m to chicken to go up and tell him”

“Wow! Santiago’s first full-blown obsession on a guy. I think this scrapbook worthy”

“Hey!” Amy says, as she hits Kylie in the arms “Don’t mock me, I’m struggling.”

“Dang. Amy Santiago admitting she’s struggling; this is one for the history books” Kylie taunts

Amy just glares at her best friend

“Ok. Ok. I’m sorry. It’s just, of all of the guys we know, in and out of school, you pick Jake to have a crush on.”

“It’s not like I made a choice, Kylie. We might be the two nerdiest girls in school, but you know how this works.”

“Yes. I know.” Kylie sighs. At that point, the bell rings for the end of lunch, and the start of the final class of the day. “Well, I’ll talk to you this evening, after I’ve got my homework done” Kylie promised. “and I’ll keep thinking about the best plan of action for your romantic situation.”

“Thanks Kylie, you’re the best.” Amy says as she wraps her best friend in a hug. 

After the end of her last class, Amy was standing by her locker packing her bag to go home, when she saw Jake down the end of the hall. His hood was back over his head, so she could only catch a brief glance of his face, and, oh god did he look sad. He looked like someone had sucked all of the light and happiness out the world. Like a dementor from her favourite Harry Potter book, was constantly hanging around him. She watched as, with his back turned to everyone, he hurriedly shoved his belongings into a bag that looked like it was about to fall apart. Once it was full, he slung it haphazardly over his shoulder, clutched the battered sketchbook from earlier in his arms, and rushed off.

After watching the whole scene unfold to her, and seemingly no one else, even though the corridor was packed to the brim with students getting their stuff to leave, Amy felt more dejected than ever. How was it that not that long ago a person, that was the sunshine in any room, now looked like a black hole, ready to collapse in on itself?

Amy decides right there, that enough is enough. And that even if she can’t find the courage to talk to him directly, nobody in the world should feel that alone and upset. So, she finds her nicest paper, and her fancy pen, and writes a short message.

_’I saw you drawing in class today. It was beautiful, and you are so talented. Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are the colour of cinnamon on Christmas day? You are so incredibly beautiful and I hope you are having a wonderful day. Lots of love’___

_ _She then gently folds up the note, writes his name in her best loopy handwriting, quickly finishes packing her bag, and slides the note carefully into his locker. _ _

_ _As she walks out of school, she smiled proudly to herself, praying that this would make that smile come to life and those brown eyes brighten just a little bit, because Jake really was beautiful and it made her whole heartache to know he was seemingly in so much pain. _ _

_ _Later that night, she gets a text from Kylie, saying that she has more work than initially expected, and can’t make their nightly calls. Amy, who has already long finished her work, sighs dejectedly but knows that her friend’s education is really important, so doesn’t dwell on it for too long. What Amy does dwell on for too long, however, is Jake Peralta. In fact, she spends the rest of the night dwelling on him. _ _

_ _

_ _The next morning, Amy gets to school even earlier than usual, which is saying something. But instead of going to an empty classroom or the library to do some extra work, she spends all morning at her locker, hoping to watch Jake opening his locker and finding the note she had left him. Except, Jake never arrived. In fact, Amy didn’t see him all day, despite having history. Jake also wasn’t there the next day. Or the next. Or even the day after that._ _

_ _Amy felt unease growing in the pit of her stomach when a full week passed and Jake was nowhere to be found. She had even resorted to asking the few friends she had, much to Kylie’s amused, yet supportive looks, “Do you know where Jake Peralta is?”, but the only response she was met with was blank stares. When she finally summoned up the courage to ask the kids in their shared history class, all she got was people asking who the hell Jake was. _ _

_ _This angered Amy. How the hell could this wonderful, perfect person, who used to be practically famous for his ability to make everyone laugh, was so invisible now he was clearly in so much pain?_ _

_ _

_ _It was Wednesday, a week and four days after Jake Peralta had mysteriously disappeared, when he finally returned. When she caught a glance of him, as she was coming down the hall, she almost did a double-take due to how bad he looked. His normally fatigued face, looked like he had spent an eternity staring down hell, with eyes dark as the night. His normally soft, rolling curls, looked like he had been dragged through a bush multiple times as if he had run his hands through it in stress so many times, he had teased it._ _

_ _Amy watched as he tried to open his locker, messing up the combination three times because his fingers were shaking distinctly more than normal. As the door swung open, the carefully folded slip of paper fell onto one of Jake’s worn-down black shoes._ _

_ _Amy resorted to staring out of the corner of her eye, a short distance away. Not wanting to give up her identity just yet, while pretending to listen in on the conversation her friends were having._ _

_ _Jake froze and stared at the slip of paper for too long to be considered normal. He then bent down slowly to pick it up with slender fingers, unravelling it with a little too much difficulty. Amy watched as his eyes scanned the paper, before lifting up to then briefly scan the room without so much as a smile or any change on his face. Then, without seeing anyone lingering by his locker, he gently refolded the paper, slid it into his jumper and walked unevenly away, leaving Amy feeling thoroughly disappointed._ _

_ _How had she not even gotten even the smallest of smiles to appear on his perfect, magical face?_ _

_ _But, instead of deterring her, this lack of reaction only fuelled her to write more notes. _ _

_ _It became sort of an addiction after that, writing little notes to be left in Jake’s locker for him to find in the morning. Notes telling him how beautiful he was, or sometimes just dumb little doodles or whatever was on her mind each afternoon, as she was packing her bag. Each time she was lucky enough to watch him open one, Amy desperately hoped that this would be the one to make him crack a smile, but nothing ever worked. He still tugs his oversized jumpers over his hands, drops his pens because his hands are trembling so badly, and his eyes are always aimed at the ground. There’s also a rumour going around that Jake was in and out of the hospital, and this makes Amy’s stomach sink to her feet every time she hears it_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi.  
so i hope you enjoyed the first chapter of crash into me.  
ive written most of it, so it should come out fairly quickly.  
i dont think ive ever fallen into writing something in the same way i did with this. it became kind of an obsession to keep going, so i hope you like it
> 
> title from crash into me by the dave mathews band. which i listened to on repeat for about 7 hours straight while writing this. the song has some voyeurism vibes, but i also think it works really well for two people starting a new relationship.


	2. if things get real for me down here, promise to take me to before you went away

About four months after the original note, Amy was sitting in her history class, when a ragged looking Jake stumbles in. He had been looking worse lately; paler with more hollowed out cheeks, but he was still effortlessly beautiful. Their teacher looks up briefly to scold him for being late, tell him to sit down quickly and make less of disturbance to his class. Jake nods and mumbles something of an apology. Then his galaxy filled eyes quickly scan the room, and he starts walking unevenly towards her. Amy thinks she’s about to have a heart attack at the idea of Jake sitting even close to her, when she realises that the seat next to her is the only empty one in the room, and promptly thinks she has just died. 

Jake gets to standing right next to the empty seat, when he looks up off the ground, makes eye contact with her, as if asking for permission to sit there (he most certainly does have permission), and gently sits down. As he is settling himself, Amy realises that this is the closest she has ever been to him, and god, it is wonderful. For all of the dreams and fantasies she has been having about him, being this close to the real physical Jake Peralta is defiantly the most wonderful thing Amy has ever experienced. The soft gentle, for lack of a better word, aura around him, that nobody else seems to see, make her imagination pale in comparison, and if she wasn’t certain of it yet, she defiantly is now. Amy Santiago is officially head over heels in love with Jake Peralta. 

And then, just at the worst possible moment, their teacher calls on her.

“Santiago, what’s the answer please.”

“Um... ah… err” Amy stumbles.

“Distracting her are we Peralta.” said the teacher, as Jake’s head shot up like a rabbit in the headlights. “First you walk into my class late, and then you distract my top student with your inane garbage. That will be detention after school for you mister.”

Jake look panicked, like he had absolutely no idea what to do next.

“Ah, Sir.” Amy started. “Jake had nothing to do with it. I just got distracted by a passage in the textbook for next lesson, as I’m ahead.”

“Mhm. Is that right Santiago?”

“Yes Sir, Jake had nothing to do with it” Amy said, gaining confidence.

“Ok. Fine.”

“So, Jake doesn’t get detention?” Amy questioned tentatively. “Because that wouldn’t be fair, as he had nothing to do with it.”

“Yes. Fine Santiago. No detention for Peralta.” said their teacher half-heartedly.

Throughout this whole conversation, Jake’s head had been slowly turning in her direction and was now looking at her with bewilderment. Amy smiles at him, puts her right thumb up and whispers:

“It’s all good. Don’t worry about it.”

The smallest, slight smile then appears on his face, and Amy thinks she’s just won the lottery. 

“Ok Class.” their teacher continues. “For the rest of this class and all of next class you are going to be working on the history project that I gave out at the start. As you will note, this is a partner project, and you will be working with the person sitting next to you, no exceptions. Ok. Get to work.”

It’s at this point where, although she’s an atheist, Amy truly believes there is some higher power looking out for her. Jake, has shuffled in his chair so he can look at her directly. He opens his mouth, as if about to say something, and then closes it again.

“Hey, what’s up?” Amy questions as gently (and as composed) as she can.

“Um…Well... err.” Jake stutters.

“It's ok. Just tell me. Whatever it is I’m sure we can work it out.”

“Um… Well… it’s just that” he begins tentatively “Um. I’m not having a particularly great week, due to some complicated family stuff, and I know you like to do good work, so I guess what I’m trying to say is that I won’t be able to get much done, and I don’t want to break any agreements with you.” He says hurriedly all in one breath while running his hand nervously through his hair, making all of the curls stick up on uneven angles. 

“Oh. Ok. That’s all good. Thanks for telling me.” 

“Ok. Um. Cool” Jake said nervously, and as if he was preparing himself for Amy to get annoyed at him. 

“Cool. Well, there are 9 dot points here of stuff we have to cover, so why don’t you take 3 and I’ll take the other 6. If you just send me your stuff when you are done, then I can collate it all and hand it in. If that sounds good to you.” Amy suggests.

“Wait… really? But, that’s so much more work for you.”

“Yeah, and? You just told me you were having a crappy week. I don’t want to make that worse by giving you a bunch of history work.”

“Um. Ok then. Well if you’re sure, then ok.” Jake nervously agrees.

“I’m positive. So, why don’t we now split out the dot points” Amy says as she grabs her pen. “Are there any that you want to do specifically?”

“Um. Not really. Whatever works for you.”

“Easy. You take the first 3 and I’ll take the others. Cool?”

“Cool.”

Amy then, in her best loopy handwriting, she writes Jake’s name around the first 3 points and hers on the others. She then takes Jake’s page and does the same thing.

“Um. My computer…err…doesn’t work. So…umm…would it be ok if we…um exchanged phone numbers… so I could send you send you my stuff that way? Jake stumbled.

“Yeah. I think that would be perfect” Amy agreed softly, smiling all the way. 

Over the next few months, much to her joy, Jake and Amy started to develop a friendship. While Jake would still almost never interact with her (or anybody else) at school, they kept having these long, wonderful conversations over text. Their texts were never very deep but were filled everything else in the world. Musing on movies, animal facts and whatever they had eaten last. But the thing that made Amy happiest to discover was that he was hilarious over text. There had been so many times that she had nearly fallen over in laughter at a response of his. Kylie and her brothers had begun to tease her for the speed in which she picked up her phone these days. Their texting was bringing her so much hope for Jake. His hilarity over text meant that maybe she hadn’t been too late. It meant that maybe the boy from her childhood was not completely gone. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that she could find that version of Jake that was now buried under all of the sadness and misery. 

But, Jake in physical form was nowhere near Jake over text. In fact, Jake in the physical was getting terrifyingly worse instead of better. He was missing way more school than usual. And every time Amy saw him, he seemed to be sicker. He was paler. His cheekbones went from being just visible, to cutting through the sides of his face like chasms. His clothes got baggier. His hair more frayed. And his once magical eyes were now dark as ebony and completely void of emotion, as if all of the stars in the universe had disappeared. 

Watching Jake fall apart, was killing Amy and all of her attempts to talk to him, even causally, at school had failed miserably. So, she had resorted to increasing the number of notes she was leaving for him. Instead of just leaving one in his locker as she left school each day, she is now leaving them in every one of his belongings she could find. Maybe it was quite stalkerish, but Amy would be dammed if she just left him to fall apart. 

One day Jake had accidentally left his precious sketchbook in their history classroom. Glancing around the room to make sure no one was watching her, Amy picked the book up and cautiously opened it. Almost every page in the book was covered. Some with just small doodles, but many covered with incredible drawings, similar to the one she had seen earlier. There was one drawing near the end of the book that was clearly only half-finished, so Amy grabbed the pad of paper and pen, that she now keeps in her pocket at all times, and wrote him a note. She placed it on the drawing before hastily putting closed the book back on the desk and leaving. 

_’Hello again, friend. I’ve noticed you have not been doing so well lately. I know that you don’t know who I am, but I want you to know that if you ever need me, I will always be here looking out for you and protecting you. If you don’t want to talk to anyone, here are some tips to help if you need them.___  
_1\. Pet some dogs (or cats)_  
__ _2\. Take a long nap_  
__ _3\. Write a story_  
__ _4\. Draw an angry picture (your art is amazing by the way)_  
__ _5\. Get a bath bomb and have a relaxing bath_  
__ _6\. Sit someone down and talk about it. It’s not good to bottle things up, you know  
__ I hope you feel better soon. Stay safe, friend. x’_

It was the most she had written in a note, and maybe it was a bit too personal, but Amy was getting desperate and she couldn’t take his downward spiral any longer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okey dokey. so that was chapter 2. the angst continues
> 
> i hope you enjoyed it :)
> 
>   
i've pretty much finished writing this story, so there should (hopefully) be a new chapter every day until we have completed this wild ride. at the moment it's 6 chapters with an epilogue, but we shall see :)
> 
> chapter title: the sound of white by missy higgins


	3. we were never not quite on the brink

One lunchtime a few weeks later, Amy is sitting on the grass at her regular lunch spot. Kylie is away on an excursion, so she is sitting alone. She doesn’t really mind this, as she is reading a great book at the moment and lately has had no time to really sit down and read. It’s also one of those carefree warm days, where the troubles of the world seem to not be trying to bother her. It’s calm and while there are still lots of people running around her, it's peaceful.

And then, out of the blue, a hand cautiously, but urgently taps her on the shoulder. She turns her head quickly to see who it is that has removed her from her reading when she sees none other than the beautiful eyes of Jake staring down at her. He was trembling slightly more than normal, with wide, wild eyes, and hair sticking up at all angles. But still, her heart does a somersault when she sees him. 

“Hey Jake.” She starts. “Are you ok?”

Jake halts for a second, as if unsure how truthfully he should answer, and then shakes his head.

“Ok. That’s ok. I’m here for you.” Amy reassures. “Do you want to go somewhere a little more private?”

“Mhm.” Jake agrees, nodding quickly.

Amy quickly grabs up all of her belongings and shoves them haphazardly in her bag. She then grabs Jake’s shaking hand and leads him off towards the edge of the school.

“There’s a forest just over here where nobody else goes and is always empty. So, nobody will find us here.” she explains.

After a short walk, they come to Amy’s favourite spot, by one of the big old trees. The roots of the tree make a perfect spot for just two people to sit, so Kylie and her often frequented it. Amy then sits down, and after a slight moment of hesitation, Jake follows. 

“I...I’m sorry for bothering you… but um… I really didn’t want to be alone right now… um and I know we don’t really…talk at school…but we talk a lot over…text, so…you’re the first person who…um…came to mind.” Jake said, tripping over his words as he did so, like how someone would trip over the tree roots surrounding them. 

“Hey. Don’t worry about it at all. I’m always here if you need a chat.”

“Thanks, Ames.”

Ames. Nobody had ever abbreviated her name like that. Sure, her irritating brothers call her A, but there was something about the way Ames rolled off his tongue that made her heart skip a beat. 

“No worries at all.” And then after a short while. “Do you want to talk about it, or do you just want to sit together?” 

“Um…can we just sit for a bit and then….”

“Sure. Sounds great.”

Amy then tentatively wraps her arm around his shoulders and slowly draws him into her body. He glances at her, unsure about what was happening. But she just smiled at him and he relaxed into her side. 

Having Jake’s warm figure by her side was one of the best moments of Amy’s life. While having him so close to her, she realised that he smelt incredible. Nothing like the smell of sweat and testosterone that seems to constantly permeate the school hallways, and more often than not, her own home. No, nothing like that at all. Jake smelt like a delicious combination of both the richness and bitterness of fresh coffee and the sweetness and warmth of butterscotch. The smell was like being wrapped in a warm blanket after being outside in the snow. 

But the other thing that she was learning by having him so close, was how skinny he actually was. She had defiantly seen the way his clothes seemed to be hanging off him at the moment, but now she could feel it. The way his bones stuck out him and now into her, the way his once strong fingers were now thin, and mostly how hollow his cheeks where. It made Amy’s stomach churn to get such a precise idea of how far under he was.

After a while of sitting together, Amy realises that Jake has begun to cry. Not making a sound or drawing in big hiccupping breaths like she always does when she cries, but instead with a silent waterfall running down his cheeks and dripping on to his tattered hoddie. In response to this, without saying anything, Amy just put her other arm around him, and gently manoeuvred him to be sitting in her lap. Jake then curls into both himself and her, until Amy can wrap both of her arms around him. They continue in this way for a long time, Jake silently crying into her chest and her gently stroking his back. Slowly, Jake’s crying slows, until it ceased altogether, but they still continue to sit in silence. After a while, Amy breaks the silence and says:

“You ok?”

Jake doesn’t reply, but he nods his head against her chest slowly.

“Ok, Jake. Well, I am always, no matter what, here for you. Even if you are worried about interrupting me, I am still here for you.” Amy promises with as much conviction as she can muster. 

“Really?” Jake mumbles into her chest.

“Of course, Jake. Anytime you need.”

“Thanks, Ames.” He says, moving his head from her chest to look her directly in the eyes.

Amy doesn’t find out what’s making Jake so upset that day, cause after a while, they both get up, and don’t speak about it. Not that Amy really minds, because she knows that he will tell her if and when he is ready, and because his eyes look ever so slightly brighter and that feels like a win for the day. But instead of leaving him right there, they walk in silence all the way to his house, where she leaves him with a hug on the doorstep. Her parents will be mad that she missed last period and was home later than she told them, but standing on Jake’s creaking doorstep giving him her warmest hug, she couldn’t care less. 

After that afternoon, the friendship between Jake and Amy grows even closer. Much to Amy’s joy, Jake starts hanging around Amy more at school. It is slow at first, with him choosing to sit next to her in history, instead as alone as he normally does. But over the weeks it grows into him hanging around her much more. He still didn’t talk much, but most lunchtimes he would come and sit next to her and Kylie and draw. Amy would often talk to him, mostly whatever happened to be on her mind at any given moment, and while Jake would rarely answer her verbally, she found that they could hold entire conversations through his facial expressions alone. Hanging out with him in this way very quickly became her favourite part of any school day. While physically Jake’s state didn’t change, his facial expressions seemed to become less sad as they continued to hang out and this made Amy happier than she could ever put into words. 

But, one lunchtime the school bully Keith, also known as the Vulture as he tended to bully the ‘weak’ quiet kids, screwed everything up. It was grey afternoon, so they had been sitting on an out of the way bench, instead of their normal spot on the grass. That afternoon Kylie was on another excursion, so it was just Jake and Amy. 

“Oh, look at that everyone! The nerd is hanging out with the good for nothing freak!” Keith taunted.

“What did you just say?” Amy replies calmly

“You heard me, Nerd. The nerd is hanging out with the freak!”

“Sorry, who exactly asked for your opinion?” 

“What, nerd?” Keith questioned, still in the same taunting tone.

“I said who asked for your opinion. Because I was just sitting here having a nice time with my friend, and I don’t think I, or anybody else for that matter, asked you what you thought about that!” Amy said with, probably, unearned confidence

“Nobody ever asks for your opinion nerd. They just get it anyway because you’re such a fucking teacher’s pet.” Keith drawls. 

“Um. Sorry. Can you stop that? It’s not a particularly nice way to behave.”

“Not a particularly nice way to behave!” Keith taunts, raising his voice a few octaves in an attempt to mock her. “Look at that everyone, the nerd thinks that just because she can use words, it means that she’s better than me. Well, Nerd, I have news for you. Nobody is better than me. I’m the king of this school and I run this place _Mexican_.

“Sorry! I’m not _Mexican_, I’m _Cuban_.” Amy replies, her voice getting steadily angrier.

“Not a lot of difference either way though, you still don’t belong here.”

At this point, Jake has obviously had enough of being around this, and so gets up runs off. 

“Jake! Wait!” Amy calls after him.

“Go on Nerd. Go run after the freak! I'll still be here when you get back!”

Amy didn’t need any more convincing, so, she grabs her stuff and sprints off after Jake. 

“Jake wait! Stop!” Amy yells as she gets closer to him, and then tugs on his shoulder.

Jake stops. “Amy I can’t do this. I am not letting you get hurt just because I’m around.” he says, voice shaky and uncertain

“Jake. I’ve been bullied like this forever. It’s nothing new.” She tries to reason. 

“But it has increased while I’ve been around?” 

“Jake…” Amy replies, exasperatedly

“Amy be honest with me.”

“I mean, yeah, I guess. But it doesn’t matter to me.”

“There we go. We can’t keep hanging out. I can’t let you get hurt because of me.”

“Jake stop! Don’t listen to those idiots. You and I are friends. I like being friends. I like talking to you and I like having you around! So, what if some idiot who doesn’t know his head from his ass doesn’t like that. It makes no difference what so ever to me.”

“Amy.” He starts, on the edge of tears. “I hurt everyone that comes near me. And I can’t… I just can’t… let that include you. I won’t let it happen. I’m sorry.” 

Amy doesn’t have a reply to that, so she just stares at him in disbelief. Jakes takes one last look at her and runs off, leaving her standing alone and speechless in the courtyard.

It’s safe to say that Amy doesn’t have much concentration for her last class. By some horrible version of fate, that class happens to be history. But she is not at all surprised when they get all the way to the end of the class and Jake still hasn’t arrived. Leaving a note in his locker that afternoon turns out to be a nearly impossible task. But as much as it pains her, she dutifully convinces herself to leave one anyway. 

Over the next week, Jake isn’t at school once. Amy tries to text him as much as she was doing before, but he never responds. She finds that this absence is so much worse than all of the previous ones because this time she has lost one of her best, most wonderful friends. As the days, and then weeks go by, the nauseous feeling in her stomach doesn’t ever go away, but after a while, it does transform. The feeling starts as sadness and sort of anger at how he had just left her, but it changes into that now all too familiar worry that she has come to associate with Jake Peralta.

But then, almost a month after their last conversation, on a rainy miserable Friday night, something remarkable happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh dang! she includes a cliff hanger!
> 
> so that was chapter 3 my friends. what did we think?
> 
> apart from the epilogue, this is last chapter i wrote, and i think it's my least favourite one. but now it is done and we can move on to bigger and better things with these 2 angsty bois
> 
> chapter title: one of those things by tom rosenthal


	4. and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance

If you had asked Amy on Friday morning what her night was going to be like, she would have told you that it was going to include a meal cooked by her older brother Alex, due to both her parents being away, and watching Fargo, mostly due to the great female lead. She defiantly wouldn’t have expected what actually happened in her wildest dreams.

At around 7:30, the doorbell rang, which was unusual seeing they weren’t expecting anybody and it was pissing down rain. Out of the 3 Santiago siblings currently in the house, Amy was the youngest, and so following tradition went to grab the door. Opening the door revealed a soaking wet Jake Peralta, who was sobbing and shaking so violently he looks as if he was close to falling apart. 

“Holy shit! Jake!” said Amy “What’s going on?”

Instead of giving her an answer, (which she suspects he is unable), Jake just throws his arms around Amy and clutches on to her for dear life. His actions were similar to the way Amy thought a drowning person would hold onto a lifebuoy. Amy, without any thought, immediately reciprocated the embrace, as Jake began to lose the ability to stand up.

“Ok. Ok, Jake. It’s ok. I’m right here. I’ve got you” Amy soothes, as she runs her outspread hand up and down his wet back, as water from both his body and tears, began to soak through her t-shirt. 

Amy was much stronger than she looked, but Jake was slightly larger than her, and although way too thin to be healthy, slightly heavier too. While she would hold all of his pain without question, physically holding him up while he shook so violently in her arms, did begin to get a little challenging. So, while holding him as tightly as she can Amy very calmly says:

“Hey, Jake. I’m gonna look after you, but we're going to go upstairs to my room, ok?”

She knew that in his current state there was no chance of getting an answer, but due to getting no violent objections, she very cautiously and gently, manoeuvred his shaking body so he was next to her, with her arm wrapped tightly around his shoulders. Amy then gently closes the front door and looks at Jake before starting to move. By this point, he had stopped outright sobbing, but his eyes were still bloodshot and the tear tracks glistened down his hollow cheeks. But, even in this soaking wet, messy state he still looked absolutely perfect. Just for a moment, before refocusing on the task at hand, Amy thought how unfair this was. How could someone even in this state, still look utterly perfect?

Gently, Amy then starts guiding him through the living room to the stairs and up to her room. The journey to her room was less challenging that Amy had expected it to be. Once he started moving, although still shaking violently, Jake just came with her, as if his brain had disconnected from his legs and he had no say in where he was going. It was an unnerving experience. Amy has no idea how much pain a person has to be in to get to that place, but she makes a silent plea that she never has to go there. 

When they reached her room, she sat him gently on her bed, knelt down and said:

“Ok, Jake. Just sit here for a second. I’ve just got to grab some stuff from my brother and then I’ll be right back. I am not leaving. I’m going to look after you and it’s all going to be ok.” 

Jake is shaking too hard to give her any semblance of a response, so she sets off at an almost run down the hall to her brother Mateo’s room. 

“Oi Matty. I need some trackies, boxers, a shirt and a jumper”

“Oh. Err. Sorry, what A?” Mateo questioned, clearly not expecting that kind of request.

“You heard me. Now hurry up”

“Err. Um, what exactly is this for?” Mateo says as he gets up from his desk and heads towards the wardrobe. 

“Ugh. I’ve got a friend over, who is soaking wet and needs some clothes. What’s so hard about all of this”

“What friend?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes”

“Ok fine. His name is Jake”

“Jake. Wait, is that the kid that no one ever talks to and always looks like he’s on the edge of falling off a cliff” interrupted Alex, who was sitting on Mateo’s bed. “OH MY GOD. A. Is this the kid that you keep texting and have a giant crush on?” 

“Holy crap. A. That’s the one you can’t stop going on about? And he’s here?” Mateo exclaims as he hands her a small bundle of warm clothes.

“Oh god, I don’t have time for this. So just, fine. Yes, to all of that. But also, he’s soaking wet, and promptly falling off that metaphorical cliff, so I have to go. Bye.”

“Wait A, hang on.”

“What?” Amy replied exasperatedly

“You gonna be ok with dealing with all that? From what I’ve seen and heard about that kid, which admittingly isn’t much, he looks like he needs some serious help. You ok?” questions Mateo, cautiously. 

“Um. Well.” Amy started, not expecting this out of her normally rascal brother. “Yeah, I think so. Um. If you hear anything from my room that’s probably him. But don’t come in unless I call you. If I don’t call, I’m all good.”

“Ok A. Look after him”

“Thanks, will do.”

Amy then hurries back down the hall to Jake. She finds him where she left him, sitting stock still on her bed, well still apart from the shaking still racking his body. 

“Ok, Jake. I’m back. I’ve got some dry clothes from my brother, so we can you out of these wet ones. Ok?”

Jake just stares at with the closest thing to a response she has gotten out of him all night.

“Ok. I’m going to take that as a yes. Come here, I’ll help you.”

Changing Jake into some dry clothes is intimate in a way that is not romantic at all. It’s intimate in the kind of way you get when one person gives their complete trust to another. If Amy really thinks about, Jake had given her this kind of trust a while ago. But there was something so utterly different about being given it under the soft glow of her bedside lamp, while he is non-verbal and almost unable to move. Amy knows that she will always be grateful that he was able to give her this trust because she doesn’t know how much longer she could go watching him suffer and be unable to do anything about it. 

In the end, the only part Jake is functioning enough to do without her help is the boxers. And while there is no doubt in Amy’s mind that one day, she would like to explore that space with him, there is nothing about that night that makes her want to go there now. No. Right now this is about protecting him with all of her heart and nothing more. 

“Ok. That’s better” Amy whispers when they are done. “But think we need to something about your dripping hair before we do anything else. Ok?”

Jake just stares at with the same stare as before. The one with just a hint of acceptance. So, she helps him stand, wraps her arm around his shaking shoulders and guides him down the hall to the bathroom. When they get there, she sits him on the edge of the bath, and softly says:

“I’m just going to brush it out with a comb and then blow dry it. Then we’ll go back to my room.”

And so, Amy grabs a comb off the counter and sets herself down next to him. He is still shaking like a leaf, so she wraps an arm around him, and uses the other to start gently combing through his wet, messy curls. As she works, his trembling becomes just very slightly less intense and his breathing begins to even out. And although he hasn’t said anything to her the whole time he has been here, this feels like a small win to Amy, that and the continued opportunity to be this close to him.

“Ok” she says after finishing the combing. “We’ve got you from wet bush to wet mop, which feels like an improvement. Buts let’s dry this and then we’ll be all done here” 

Jake just stares at her with his big, beautiful chocolate brown eyes and just for a moment, she falls right into their stare, as her heart does a somersault.

“It’s going to be loud for a few minutes, but then it will be over. So, just stay with me cause I’m not going anywhere” Amy explains tenderly, as she grabs out the hairdryer. 

It’s no secret that Amy adores Jake’s hair. She has spent more time than even she wants to admit thinking about his perfect, soft, mocha curls. But a few moments later when she is able to gently run her hand through it, now soft and dry and warm, she can’t help but smile at him with the most amount of love and admiration she can manage. While unsurprisingly he doesn’t return the smile, he stares right at her. Eyes full of every complex emotion in the universe, and it hits her right in the centre of her being. It’s a quiet and deeply intimate moment they share right there, and it’s one Amy is sure she will hold onto for a lifetime.

“Ok.” She whispers. “Let’s get out of here.”

Amy then takes him, all warm and dry, back to her room. 

She pulls down the covers on her bed and gently helps him to lie down, wrapping his shaking form in the doona. She then walks around the foot of the bed and climbs in next to him. Once she’s under the covers, she has just enough time to absorb the agonized, haunted look in his eyes before she’s in his arms and wrapping herself around him in protection. 

Then, before she even has time to understand what was happening, Jake is absolutely wailing against her. The noises coming from him are primal and heartbreaking all at once. It’s a complete and utter collapse of whatever semblance of togetherness he’s been projecting for the last half hour (and probably days, weeks and months before that). It is a step above the violence of the sobbing from before, it’s raw and exposed and it is the absolute worst sound in the entire world. She just can’t hold him tight enough. 

It takes a long time for Jake to finally, finally stop wailing. Throughout the whole experience, they never break their embrace but it shifts and changes from primal desperation to whole and healing. After the initial hurricane of emotion seems to have passed, and for the first time all night he isn’t shaking, Jake is still in her bed. But now his forehead is cradled in the curve of her neck, his nose pressing lightly against her chest each time she exhales, arms still wrapped tightly around her chest, as if, if he lets go the whole universe will come crashing down again. He hasn’t looked her in the eye in for a long time. But it doesn’t matter, she’s currently content to just stroke his hair, and slowly and soothingly rub her other hand up and down his shoulders and back. 

While he’s not outright sobbing anymore, the tears are still silently flowing and still wetting her skin. He can’t seem to stop nuzzling his nose into her collarbone and the hollow at the base of her throat, and can’t seem to stop breathing her in as deeply as he can. It’s as if breathing her in is keep him alive more than the oxygen in the air. But’s it quiet and gentle in a way that it hasn’t been all night. It’s like for the first time in their time knowing each other, he’s coming towards her, instead of her fighting her way to him. It’s the kind of healing calm that doesn’t require any words to communicate whole universes to each other. Then, slowly his tears come to a stop, and then he takes the deepest breath he can, and everything stills. The stillness stays for a long time, enveloping them both in peace you can only get after that sort of intense emotional breakdown. Then, very slowly, he starts to shift in their embrace, and she turns to, so they can look at each deep in the eyes. And then, as if instigated by magic he smiles and pure relief floods Amy’s whole being. 

“Thank you, Ames.” he says so quietly that she barely hears it.

“I told you I would always be here and would always protect you. I’m not about to break that promise” she whispers, only just slightly louder than him.

“I know. For the first time in my life, I know.” 

“Good.”

“Mum was taken back to hospital by ambulance again today.” He says after a long pause.

Amy cocks her head to the side. Jake seeing her confusion says:

“I tell you the whole thing later. But I was in the ICU waiting room again, and I just couldn’t fucking do it anymore. I don’t even remember how, but somehow, it’s pitch black; I’m soaking wet and standing at your front door. Why don’t I remember how I got there Ames?” he says on the edge of tears again.

“Hey, shush. It doesn’t matter. You’re safe and exactly where you are meant to be right now. I’m so glad you came to me; I’ve got you and I’m never letting go. Everything else we can work out later.”

He nods and draws deep shaking breaths into his lungs.

“You’re perfect Ames. I don’t know how that’s possible, but goddam it's true.”

And all Amy can do is smile, a smile that cracks her wide-open right in front of him.

“I could say the same thing about you Jake.”

Then they are both smiling like idiots, both somehow incapable of saying anything else, as the calm quiet returns and they both snuggle closer to each other, and after a while, Amy returns to running her hand from his lower back all the way through his soft hair and back again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that was chapter 4! 
> 
> what did we think?
> 
> i think this is probably my favourite chapter out of them all. writing amy looking after jake, especially her changing his clothes and running her hands through his hair for the first time, killed me. i have such vivid mental images of how those moments happen and i hope i got that out in words. also, jake having a complete breakdown while clutching amy in her bed was such an emotional thing to write, so i hope you enjoyed that :)
> 
> chapter title: timshel by mumford and sons


	5. we don’t have much to lose, so let’s not lose it for no reason

Jake and Amy continue to be silently wrapped in each other, in Amy’s bed for another 40 minutes or so, and then Jake, out of nowhere, starts quietly talking. 

“It was Mum who finally told Dad to get out. Like it was only a matter of time before one of them cracked and told the other to boot it. But it was Mum that finally did it. And so, he left. I guess that wasn’t new to him with all his antics. But he was so angry that Mum was the one who actually took charge and told him to go, that he was not going to go quietly. I still remember that night. He was so enraged that he became really violent and started breaking everything in the house. Somewhere in the middle of his rage, Mum grabbed me and told me to go lock myself in the bathroom and hide. So, I bolted upstairs as fast as I could I grabbed my pillow, a blanket, headphones and phone, and locked myself in the bathroom. I chucked it all in the bath, put my headphones on and tried to block out everything that was happening. But really there’s only so much of your Dad losing his fucking shit and being shit scared for you mum that you can block out.”

Jake pauses, and all Amy can do is wrap her arms around him tighter, as if trying to protect him and his 14-year-old self all at the same time.

“Anyway, I must have fallen asleep, cause the next thing I remember is waking up, still in the bath, with Mum hugging me as tightly as she could. Mum’s got the beginnings of a black eye and is bleeding, but somehow, I don’t remember caring. I was just so fucking relieved that she was all ok, that a little bit of blood didn’t really matter. We picked ourselves up after that, Mum taking on a bit more work, and me doing more stuff around the house. And for a while it was good. All of the stress of living in the middle of a violently failing marriage was gone, and it was just Mum and I. Which, honestly, it had been my whole life anyway. 

Jake pauses again. He strokes Amy’s cheek gently before looking away again and continuing. 

“But of course, as you know, that didn’t last. A few months after Dad left, Mum was checking the accounts again and realised that, along with essentially destroying the house, the bastard had also taken almost all of the money. He later did some bullshit reasoning in court about how had made most of it anyway, but honestly fuck that. Whatever his fucking reasoning was, we were now well and truly in the shits. Mum did her best to hide this all from me of course, but when the ship is sinking you just can’t hide all of it, no matter how hard you try. It was awful, still is, to be honest. Mum was already working her job as much as she could, and I was already in a free school, so that wasn’t going to help. In the end Mum gets, when ends up being, 2 more jobs in an attempt to make ends meet. She’s working 19 hours a day, every day, no breaks just to try and support herself and me. It was never sustainable. Not at the rate she was going. But it wasn’t like we had any other options.”

Tears were beginning to roll down his soft cheeks now and it made Amy’s heartbreak. The story wasn’t even over, but already more awful things had happened to the most incredible person she knows than had ever happened to her. So, she did the only thing she could in that moment and wrapped her whole body around his in an effort to protect him. Jake looks over at her and smiles, the most heartbreaking smile Amy has ever seen, before continuing on. 

“Mum gets sick after a while. It starts off as just a small thing. But because she working all hours and she can’t take any time off it just gets progressively worse over the weeks. And then I come home from school one day, about a year after dad left, to find her unconscious and feverish on the kitchen floor.”

Tears are properly falling down his face at this point

“So, I, of course, freak the fuck out and then call an ambulance. The next thing I know, I’m in the hospital waiting room, and a doctor is telling me that Mum’s in a critical condition in the ICU, and is there anyone he can call to come look after me. I don’t even remember answering, but the next thing I know my friend Gina, who I’ve known since childhood but goes to a different school, and her Mum are there. I then have a complete meltdown on the waiting room floor before they take me home.”

“Anyway, what can I say about the next 2 years? Mum’s in and out of hospital all the time. The finances are fucking shit, but who cares about that now? School friends abandon me cause suddenly I’m no fun anymore. Gina moves interstate. Somewhere in the middle of that I have my first depressive episode, and then they start coming more frequently and intensely, but Mum is too sick herself to notice. House almost gets repossessed. The anxiety joins the growing depression, but god is there no money for a therapist or medication for me, cause all of that is going to keeping Mum alive and keeping the house. And then somehow, in the middle of all of that fucking mess.”

Jake rolls over in Amy’s arms and looks at her intensely, but with so much love and gratitude. 

“Somehow, at the exact moment I can’t take it anymore, you walk right into my life just when I desperately needed you to. You walk in with your ability to stand up to unfair teachers and telling me that you understand and that it’s no problem at all you taking most of the work. And then as if by magic, on the worst day of my life, because somehow that hadn’t happened yet, there you are. Sitting alone on the grass, with the sun making your hair look like it was full of glitter. I collapse on to you because I can’t do it myself anymore and I don’t have anyone else. And instead of telling me to bugger off like most other people in my life, you drag me into your lap and hold me tight as the world fucking disintegrates around me. And then you keep doing that every single day for months. You protected me from everything and everyone around me with this effortless grace and beauty.”

Both Jake and Amy are crying at this point.

“Amy Santiago, I have no idea how you did it, but you absolutely saved my life. You are incredible and the nicest, smartest, gentlest human I have ever met. And god, are you beautiful. Amy Santiago, I love you.”

“Jake. You make all of that sound like it was a challenge, something I had to work on or was some sort of hero for doing. Well, I didn’t and I’m not. Sure, it was hard at some points, but only because I knew you were hurting so fucking much. But I didn’t care at all, because ever since you walked into that history class on day one, you completely and utterly stole all of my heart. Jake Peralta, I love you more than I love pretty much anything else in the world and I will always, no matter what, be here protecting you.”

Jake’s warm strong hands then pull her closer, and through their tears, he kisses her. 

Their first kiss is completely indescribable. It feels like they are equally closing up wounds, and creating a new story together. Jake’s lips are as warm and strong and gentle and sweet as she had imagined. But really, it was incomparable to any way she could have imagined it. It was the most wonderful, incredible moment of her entire life; wrapped up with the person she loves more than anything in the world and kissing him. It feels like perfection to Amy, and there is no place anywhere in the world she rather be. The kiss is slow and tender and she feels them melting into each other. Her whole entire body is both lighting up and shutting down at the same time because holy crap, this is what it means to know that you were meant for one specific thing.

It’s like their whole bodies were sculpted with only each other in mind. His hair made the perfect texture for her slender fingers to rake through, the hollows of his cheeks the perfect dip for her thumbs to caress, his nose the perfect length for hers to lightly brush against as they change angles in tandem. Her hands were made to hold his skinny body, her lips were made to cushion his. Amy has never particularly liked her body, never really given the time and energy to looks and beauty, but suddenly with him pressed up against it her, she feels like a work of art.

They part after a while, both looking at each other with an indescribable feeling of pure joy and the deepest kind of love. 

Nothing apart from kissing and hugging happens that night, but they are both positive that if this is all they get, then they would be happy spending an entire lifetime doing this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah ha! we finally got to the good stuff!
> 
> i hope that satisfied all of your expectations for these two cinnamon rolls!
> 
> this end of this chapter was bloody satisfying to write btw.
> 
> anyway, we have one last chapter and an epilogue to go so get ready for that ish.
> 
> chapter title: till we get there by the ocelots (which is a wonderful song)


	6. i'm feeling fine, we've made it to the coastline

The next morning, they wake in exactly the same way as they fell asleep: intertwined as close as they can be with each other. Jake wakes slightly before Amy, and for the first time in years, the raging storm in his head seems to have passed and he feels nothing but an overwhelming sense of calm. He realises that as long as this incredible woman is beside him, he can do anything. 

Noice, he thinks.

Amy then starts to wake, and after a few moments opens her eyes and looks straight at him. Jake feels his heart stop. It must have shown on his face because Amy then softly asks him:

“Hey. You ok?”

“Ok? I’m better than I have been in years. I just… had a moment where I couldn’t quite believe where I was and what was happening” he says quietly, not willing to disturb the morning peace yet.

“Mhm. I know the feeling.” Amy pauses as if trying to hold on to the moment longer than time would allow. “Luckily for you, I know exactly how to solve that.”

“Oh, do you now?”

“Yep” Amy says as she pulls him in for a searing kiss.

“Oh, God!” Jake moans after they part. “That wasn’t just a dream. Kissing you is really that good. Holy shit Ames!”

“What can I say. I’m a pro at kissing Jakes.”

“God yeah you are. You can do that anytime you dam want Amy Santiago.”

“Best thing I’ve heard all week. Amy grins. After a while, she tentatively asks “Does that mean that were like boyfriend and girlfriend now?”

“It will be if you ask me” Jake smirks

“Ok then. Let’s do that. Jacob Peralta, I love you more than anything else in the world, will you do me the honour of being my boyfriend?”

“Amy Santiago, there is nothing that I want more in the world.”

“Awesome” Amy says right before they kiss again.

Sometime later, when the morning sun is spilling through Amy’s bedroom window, and peace has returned to both of them. Jake asks quietly:

“Hey Ames, Can I be honest with you?

“Yeah, of course”

“I know it was you who was writing all of the notes I kept finding all over the place.”

“Wait. What?! How?”

“Not the for the whole time, but after we were partnered together in history, I realised that yours was the same as the beautiful handwriting on all of the notes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” questioned Amy quietly.

“Well…” Jake paused for slightly too long.

“You can tell me anything you know.”

“Yeah. I know.” 

Jake smiles at her. A genuine smile that somehow starts at his eyes, making the edges of them crinkle in the most perfect way imaginable. It is something that she seems to be starting to see more and more lately, and every time it happens it makes her heart do a backflip and grow 3 sizes like the Grinch. 

“For a long while, your notes were the only thing that was convincing me to keep coming to school. Like, Mum was so sick and the finances were so bad, and well... I was so… depressed, that even getting out bed felt like a marathon. I kept seriously considering not coming back. But then I always would think about the notes that I would find every morning, and even as my life was falling apart, there was still always someone who seemed to have my back. Once I realised it was you who was sending them, I would always sneak a glance at you as I was opening them, and I’d see your perfect, angelic face looking at me like I was about to give you the whole fucking universe. The chance that I would get that one singular moment would always convince me to keep coming back and keep fighting for the chance at a better future. So, I guess I couldn’t tell you, because it was the only thing keeping me going and I couldn’t let that stop.” 

“I love you so incredibly much. And I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am that you kept coming back” Amy says, as she takes his cheeks in her warm palms, stroking them slowly with her thumbs. 

“I love you too Ames”

After a short pause, Amy questions, “But, didn’t you think that I could be so much more helpful if you had let me?”

“Yeah, defiantly, all the fucking time Ames. Especially after that history project. No one had been that nice to me in a long time. You were then, and still are, the most wonderful thing in the world for me. But I didn’t want to drag you right into the mess that was my life right at that moment. I guess I wanted to be better for you.”

“You were always perfect for me Jake Peralta.” Amy said gently. 

Amy then moves her warm hands, so they are wrapped around the base of Jake’s neck, fingers just brushing the finer, short hairs. She pulls him closer to her slowly until their noses were just barely touching. She pauses, just for a moment, to drink in his eyes, which look like the colour of hot chocolate on a cold day. Eyes that are full of emotion and love, and everything that she loves most in the world. She pauses, just to take in this wonderful situation; wrapped up with the person whom she believes with her whole being is the epitome of perfect, the person who she would willingly give everything that she is and will be just to see smile, the absolute love of her life. 

Then, she pulls them just a little bit closer together and kisses him, giving him every single part of herself. As she makes contact with his warm, soft lips, he gives a gentle sigh, and everything in the universe seems to fall into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i guess that's the end of our main journey with these two.
> 
> i hope it was everything you needed, and that you have enjoyed our adventure.
> 
> there is an epilogue still to come, but i haven't written all of it yet, so it might or might not come out tomorrow, we shall see.
> 
> also, do we now see why crash into me by the dave mathews band is amazing at describing the relationship these to have in this?  

> 
> chapter title: featherstone by the paper kites (who are an amazing australian band that you should definitely listen to)


	7. the last hurrah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. this is the last chapter and we've had a pov switch, so you get jake's thoughts for our last hurrah.

As Jake stands in the park one summer's day watching his wife, who is currently involved in an elaborate game with their 3 young children, he can't help but think how incredibly far they have come together. If someone had told 17-year-old Jake, curled up in Amy’s bed, that one day they would be married with three incredible children, and that he would feel ok most days, he thinks he would have slapped them in the face for lying. But as he watches the scene play out in front of him, he is content with the knowledge that this was all true, but also that it had taken more work than he ever thought he was capable of to get there. 

Jake thinks about his 17-year-old self, starting therapy. How for months he couldn’t even speak about all his issues, and for a very long time Amy would come with him, no questions asked, and was strong when he wasn’t able to be. He thinks about the months he spent trying to find the right medications, and the nights that he was so close to giving up because he felt like he had no control over anything that was happening, which in a way was a hundred times worse than the depression he was trying to medicate. But on those nights, Amy would do what she did the first night; pull him close and wrap her whole body around him until the pain had passed.

Amy, who he basically moved in with. Who very gently got him to eat and sleep again and so after months of work, his tired messy look faded, and in its place was the look of a boy who had given his whole being to a girl.

Amy and his 18-year-old self who would sit for hours as she persistently tutored him so passing his school exams was a possibility. His Amy, his perfect wonderful Amy who was giving him a future. And, then working through her first stress induced panic attack, where the roles they had fallen into a comfortable rhythm with, were reversed and he finally understood how incredibly strong his girlfriend was.

Them together when for the first time in their relationship (and possibly his life) the good days began to outnumber the bad. How they used to jump in Amy’s car, with him on the music, and just drive around all day. They would stop occasionally to do whatever in the world they felt like, because it stopped mattering what they were doing, as long as they were together. 

His 22-year-old self-packing up his belongings, which were all at Amy’s by this point, and going with the love of his life to their first apartment. The apartment that they christened every room together, and the one they would come home to everyday and fall asleep on the couch together in. 

His 24 year old self watching his Mum die, and his Mum telling him that she was sorry that she hadn’t been better for him, and that for a long time that she had worried that she had messed Jake up entirely, but after seeing him with Amy, she knew that he had a long wonderful future ahead of him. And then them together at her funeral, and Jake feeling his whole heart shatter once more.

Jake going through his first week long non-verbal depressive episode. Where getting out of bed became an impossibility, and taking his meds and eating were jobs that had to be passed on to Amy (who took them without even a need for him asking). Then coming through it and realising that Amy was, and had been since the day they met, it for him. She was his rock, his guardian angel, and most importantly his home. He wondered how it had taken him so long to realise this as in retrospect it has been playing on a loop in his head for as long as he can remember

Most of the planning for the proposal happen during another depressive episode, when his boss told him to take some time to look after himself and get well. Jake was incredibly grateful that almost all of the important people in his life were so incredibly supportive, although he suspects that his bosses comment came after a chat with his psychologist. Or possibly Amy, actually almost certainly Amy. The planning took weeks, and combined with some self-care and some serious work with his psychologist, by the time he actually popped the question, he felt as good as he could. The proposal itself was a quiet personal affair, in which he lay a trail of flowers through their apartment to the living room for Amy to follow after getting home form work. She knew exactly what was going as soon as she got home, but when she found Jake on one knee she burst into tears, which was closely followed by Jake himself. And so with tears streaming down both their faces, Jake told her that that his mum’s death made him realise that life is short, that unlike his parents, he loves her more than life itself and that his mum died knowing that Amy was always going to protect her son and that allowed her to go. Then, a calmly as he could, he asked for her forever. To which she of course said yes, saying that she would give him anything if ever he asked for it. 

Like the proposal, their wedding was a quiet personal affair. They both agreed that they didn’t want a big fancy wedding as they had both given each other their whole beings long, long ago. And so, surrounded by their closest family and friends, with Amy looking like the goddess she always was, they officially gave each other their hearts. 

Not a whole lot changes for Jake and Amy after their wedding. There are good days and there are bad days, but there is not a single day when they are not there for each other, together against whatever the world could throw at them like they have been since they were 17. Eventually, Amy cautiously brings up the idea of having children. At first Jake is strongly against this idea as he is scared that depression will be like his mum illness and leave their children alone, like he was for so much of his own childhood, and that his lack of father figure will make him a terrible father. Amy slowly and gently reasoned with him, saying that no matter what happens she will always be there protecting them all, and so eventually like hse has always done she brought down his wall brick by brick. And by god is he glad that he did, as summer turned to autumn and as day turned to night, their daughter, Leah, was born. Lying in the too small hospital bed next to his angel wife, holding his daughter, he realises that this is what he was always meant to do.

So life moves on and the next 5 years bring challenges and then 2 more kids, another daughter Olivia, and a son, Ezra. There are good time and bad times, but surrounded by his perfect family it is always alright. 

There is a man with chocolate hair and caramel eyes that turn slightly mahogany in the sun, who has long fingers that are steady whenever he talks or even when he reaches for things or writes. There is a man with bright eyes that full of energy, who takes his three young kids to the park in summer and runs around with them until they all collapse. There is a man who still struggles with his issues and after therapy will come home to a wife that loves him more than life itself. There is a man who visits his mother’s grave and tells her that he is ok, and that he is so much stronger than he ever has been. 

There is a man who now never misses work and comes home with eyes the colour of hot chocolate on a cold day and the biggest smile anyone’s ever seen, who doesn’t stop talking even when his captain tells him too and will never stop telling stories to his children. When someone asks him how he’s doing, he always says the same thing, with a loud laugh and a dismissal in the form of a grin: “I’m great.”

And Amy believes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i guess we've finally reached the end of the journey. took a bit longer than expected, but blame school and exams for that. 
> 
> i hope you have enjoyed this and the conclusion for these characters was all you have ever hoped for. it was a real joy writing this one.


End file.
